I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
