Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
