I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
