If that was your dad, he is hot
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just googled if crying burns calories
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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