He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Randomize
