I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
