I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I could make wine with my vomit
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
