Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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