just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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