Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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