Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
