I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
