Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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