oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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