How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
