Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
