I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
