I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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