Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
