My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
