I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
