I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
