So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
