porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
its liver damage thursday
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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