You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
