so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
