I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I puked a lego.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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