i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
