The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
