nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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