Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
