Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
