You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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