today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
