nut hugger
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
