if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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