When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
