does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
