if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The dick lei will go down in squad history
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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