just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
