Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
People in love make me want to vomit
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
