So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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