i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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