Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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