Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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