Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
