Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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