DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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