I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
