I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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