i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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