Got a toothbrush?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
