hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
