he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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